Noah had an explosive temper. If Leah gently mentioned that he forgot to pay the water bill, Noah would erupt. He would pace the kitchen, voice booming, defending himself and immediately bringing up three things Leah had forgotten to do that month.
To Leah, it looked like extreme arrogance. It looked like he couldn't handle being wrong. But it wasn't arrogance.
When Leah criticized him, Noah's hidden OS triggered a massive wave of shame. Because shame feels like death to the ego, his Adaptive Child took over, throwing up a shield of rage to protect him. Leah couldn't fix Noah's anger by communicating better. Noah had to fix it by doing his own inner work.
You cannot demand that your partner navigate your childhood trauma perfectly. That is not their job. It is your job to heal your wounds so you stop bleeding on the person who didn't cut you.
Inner work is not a selfish distraction from the marriage. It is the absolute prerequisite for intimacy. Until you can regulate your own shame, you will constantly use your partner as a punching bag or a crutch.