Gottman discovered the antidote to contempt: a culture of Fondness and Admiration. When a marriage has a strong baseline of mutual admiration, contempt cannot take root. Admiration is a discipline of forcing your brain to scan for the good.
The things that annoy us are almost always the shadow side of the traits we loved. Stubbornness is the shadow of conviction. Spontaneity is the shadow of energy. Rewriting the narrative means cleaning the lens.
True admiration requires specificity. Link an Action to a character Trait and its emotional Impact. A generic compliment bounces off. A specific compliment pierces the heart.